You would think 24 years is long enough to process and deal with grief. But, you would be wrong. I saw an interview that Billy Bob Thornton had given where he was talking about his brother who had died and he said that on any given day he was 50% happy and 50% sad and that's how it would always be because his brother deserved that.
It spoke to me. I get it.
I remember when Andi (for those of you who don't know my daughter was kidnapped and murdered) had been dead for about 6 months, that people, even family members would tell me that it had been long enough and I needed to move on. Even worse, they told my mother that, about her first grandchild. To this day I am pretty sure she isn't over it. How do you get over the death of a child who is only 12-years-old? How do you get over a grandchild? It has been 24 years and I am now Nana to a 13-year-old boy, 10-year-old girl, and a little one due this month and I can't even imagine losing them to rape and murder. The thought is so raw I want to cry right now for my mom.
I started this blog because writing purges my soul of the ugliness that wants to dwell in my mind. I haven't written in a very long time because depression has made me want to just sleep. But, I decided I needed to deal with it and have been on a personal journey to face and deal with my demons. The journey has been difficult because I am a person who can fake it really well. I can smile, which has even been hard for me the past few years, I can talk the talk and put on a façade that is nothing short of fake. However, I have faced it, looked it in the eye, and pushed my head above the water. Sometimes unconventional methods have been a godsend (not drugs but the alcohol route and I stopped that 3 and a half years ago).
Will I ever be off Grief Avenue? The answer is probably no. Can I hold my head up and walk on that road as the daughter of the most high King?
Yes.
Grief Avenue has nothing on me. I know its tricks. I know the heartbreak. I know the rules. 50% sad. 50% happy. The rules aren't fun, but you learn to live with them. And when you learn that you will be okay.
God bless you all as we move forward through 2024. Love to you all.
